-shopping

Yet, as we were leaving we saw some guys brutally beating the super who was lying on the floor trying his best to protect his face while 2 guys pounded him in the face with such rage and hatred in their eyes as though they wanted to not just sock a punch but actually kill him.

I felt such fear and, unsafe. I’ve never seen someone be beaten like that–to keep blowing punch after punch and kick after kick into a man lying defenseless and helpless on the ground because he knows fighting is a lost cause with 2 vicious-looking men against him.

The night before this I bumped into a lady in Midtown East (aka one of the safest neighborhoods) who was just standing in the middle of the sidewalk swerving/leaning side to side with her eyes closed and
just swaying/leaning, unable to keep her balance.

Either she was sleepwalking or high on drugs.

I looked at her and stood- worried and wondered how all these New Yorkers were walking briskly by-noticing her but really refusing to acknowledge her. That seems how it is in New York. You pass someone on the street but there is no time to acknowledge someone else’s humanity or care.

Scared, I knew (honestly, for both her and me) I had to do something so I walked into the nearest building and told the security guard that a lady outside needed help. I left my name and mobile number and provided a vivid description of the woman. Immediately after I walked out, the guard followed me to go try to trace her down.

It was a cold and rainy night. After dinner, I passed a man on the street who was wrapped in a dirty and worn green sleeping bag. He looked exhausted and weary. I could feel the rain starting to downpour and my heart just empathized with the man’s plight and the unfairness of it all that I would be able to sleep under a roof protected from the winds while he would be forced to bear the cold and the rain.
I rushed into Walgreens and bought bottled water and some of my favorite snacks-although, I wish I knew what he liked.
I walked past this sleeping man again and left him my purchase with a bible verse card and on back of it I wrote “God loves you!” We love because He first loved us.

I know it’s not much but it’s the little I can do for now.

As usual, things started out with me wondering “What am I doing attending this retreat in the car with a married couple and another guy that’s about 40 and my distant cousin who’s in his late 30s as well?”

How am I supposed to make gfs???

I was regretting ever signing up but of course, God would surprise me.

Here’s what I’m debating b/w:

http://www.brooklyntabernacle.org/Church/ServiceTimes/

or 

River Church

http://www.rivernyc.org/?gclid=CJHGqoeF4ZwCFeFM5QodLD57JQ

Amazingly, the Brooklyn Tabernacle church was referred to me though my Korean roommate at retreat- she looks so Korean and everything and has such a gentle demeanor. But she truly surprised me and I was just astonished by how God’s plan works together through it all. She said to me, “You think I’m quiet and everything right? I’m actually quite ghetto. I was raised in Queens!” Haha. But you don’t know how much that meant to me. I’ve been so tired of all these people I have to mingle with during class and work and we’re all so proper. 

She was such a blessing in my life this weekend.
None of this writing of mine is going to be proper. I’m going to ramble. As usual. And I’m not going to try to sound eloquent. None of that pretense here. It’s like when you talk to God. I’ve been so confused like I have to come ready with a speech that’s presentable to a crowd or with an essay that’s been edited. But prayer with God is simply conversation –it’s like when you meet a new friend and you want to get to know that person– that’s what conversing with God is– getting to know Him.

Being on this retreat was so different. It was the first time I’ve ever had to do so many introductions in a social setting. “Hi, my name’s _____. Where are you from? What church do you go to?” Yes, that was very awkward for me and I’ve never had to start afresh like that. But Somehow God gave me the energy to do that. For some strange reason, it’s just not normal for me to go around introducing myself and it takes HUGE effort on my part but you know what…. if I’m ever going to establish myself here in the city and have community, that’s what it’s going to take. Stepping out of my comfort zone and stopping myself from exuding snobbery through simply expecting others to come up and talk with me.

I’m the new girl here and others have their groups. Fortunately, every single person I approached was friendly. I must have introduced myself maybe 50x. It sounds so strange to be saying this– but introduction type social interaction is very new for me. As sad as that is.

Anyways, one thing I will take away from this retreat is the time spent in prayer. We were allotted on the last night a special time to spend with God at different prayer stations. Of course, prior to this there had been worship, bible study, free time, silence & solitude, and reflection hours. 

However, just diff. stations titled “Listening to God,” “Repentance,” “New Life,” etc had been setup where we would simply sit and talk to God. I thought the whole thing seemed rather…. meaningless for me. My heart has just been hard and apathy has overcome me during my extended time here in the city. Apathy for the homeless person on every block, apathy toward the blind and disfigured every couple blocks, and with all the injustice I see everywhere I go. It’s so saddening but it was the only thing I could do living in the city and seeing all the things that grieve God on a daily basis. All of a sudden my life was not a picture of pleasantville suburbia but instead was replaced with an in-your-face confrontation with the poor and the least and the lost. Missions wasn’t something I had to go to another city or country for, but something right out on my doorstep.

For the first time, at retreat, I’ve been able to hear about how New Yorkers bring God to this city. It’s overwhelming but you know what? Doing SOMETHING is better than doing nothing. I’m determined to buy that box of granola bars to be able to distribute something rather than nothing. To look the homeless person in the eye and not simply look away and treat him or her as less than human. To research sponsoring a child and not be okay with the fact that 30,000 children die each year from hunger.

Lord, help me. I’m on a lil retreat high. Not so much of a high because I did not pledge to do all these things– we did not have a call to confession. We did not have a “Come back to God night” where everyone was crying.

What broke me was the silence in prayer. I sat there for about an hour in darkness and just reflecting on the cross and my life. What broke me was …. it’s ironic but I sat there thinking about how wonderful it would be if I just had girlfriends to envelop me in love, if I just had the type of love that I had from girlfriends in Cali, again just pitying myself, but at that moment, I realized that that love would not satisfy me. At that moment, I felt God’s love envelop me and I felt something greater than a friend’s hug/love— I felt God putting His arms around me and wrapping and holding me tightly telling me how much He loves me and how much He cares about me, and that He’s not going to let me go, even if I let go of Him. He’s here ready to breathe new life into my dying soul here in the city. With that, I broke and I just couldn’t stop crying.

After my moment with God, I looked up and this girl who I met that weekend had placed a tissue in front of me. She too was crying (having met w/ God as well) and she looked at me and smiled.

I don’t want to forget this.

Thank you God for bringing a speaker to retreat who reminded me so much of my own pastor from Newsong with his focus on community and fighting injustice in the world.

I gotta get up early tmrw for the housing search but thank you God. Thank you for reminding me of your presence in my life.

jammin’

-Shopping

it’s funny how no one else posts but me but you guys know what’s going on each others lives.

wait, that’s probably why you guys don’t post.

anyways. here’s something about me for you.

before that, did you know wordpress was started a boy named matt when he was only 18-years-old?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matt_Mullenweg

he’s a nerd. i always liked nerds.

but here i am and tomorrow could be a big day. i’m not really sure. so much is changing and everything’s moving and yet, i sit around because i’m still stuck with the cali chill pace of life, or maybe it’s just kristy-speed.

whatever it is, it doesn’t work in new york city.

it’s so easy to get caught up. i was talking to someone and he was telling me how everyone looks to new york because it’s the place where people are because they want to be at the top.

did you know i never saw new york that way? when i thought about coming to new york, i thought that i could just come here to find work doing something i have passion for, something i enjoy- not for the purpose of being number one.

but after looking at my life, i realized that i failed to realize that whether i came here for that purpose or not, i’m stuck in that world.

for the past month, i’ve been working at the #1 book publishing house in the world. all the authors whose works i grew up reading once walked these halls–judy blume, dr. seuss, the berenstein bears… and i’m working in this building.

i need to breathe and take a step back. it’s weird. i feel life is moving so slow for me because it’s always the voice inside me saying, “you’re just an intern and you’re behind.” but slowly, i’m seeing things fall together and 

okay, it’s 3 am, I’m tiredd